Larry Bowler and the Psychiatrists Rock
by Kitty Kat16
Summary: A parody of Harry Potter. I suggest you read if you're up for a good laugh
1. Hot Cocoa and Jeremy Paxman

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Chapter 1

Hot Cocoa and Jeremy Paxman

Larry stormed into his Aunt and Uncle's bedroom, a face full of thunder. Clasped in his hand was a wad of white papers, ink still wet from the Computer's printer. 

"Why did you stop me from reading this?" he demanded to his astonished and scared Aunt and Uncle who had been enjoying their nightly cup of hot cocoa before bedtime and had been just watching the end of University Challenge before they switched the light off, Monday nights were always their late nights. They didn't put the lights out until 8:30, if they could keep their eyes open long enough. His Aunt secretly thought that Jeremy Paxman was a bit of a dish, so did his Uncle. Larry stared a menacing grimace as the couple's faces drained of colour, and beads of cold, frightened sweat dripped down their foreheads. "Well?" he repeated, impatiently.

There was nothing particularly astounding about Larry. He looked and sounded just like any other 15-year-old boy. He had dead bad grammar, and dark brown hair that was spiked up on his head using enough hair gel to grease an indoor ski slope. Yet still there was something out of the ordinary about Larry, something extra- ordinary about the way he stood in the doorway, grubby baggy skater pants and sweaty Slipknot t- shirt on back, and an indignant fire smouldering in his chestnut brown eyes. 

"Disciplinary College! What the hell am I going to do there!"? His Uncle Ferdinand cowered beneath his duvet, murmuring apologies mixed in with begs for mercy. Larry's Aunt Gertrude was braver, she managed to stammer out 

"Now dear, we both know that you've been having some"– she paused for just a second as she searched for the right word "some problems with school recently"- In fact Larry's 'problems' were mainly the fact that he hadn't been to school for the last 5 months because of 'personal' troubles. 

"It's not my fault," Larry argued, "the teachers hate me"- At that moment Uncle Ferdinand ventured up an interruption 

"Well you did threaten them"- 

"Not with a proper weapon"- 

"With a gun"- 

"Not a loaded one"- 

"It had a bullet in it" 

"Oh yea, like one bullet could hurt them that much, I'm not even that good an aim, I doubt if I would have even hit them"- 

"You were pressing the gun against your teachers skull, whilst shouting, 'come any closer and I'll shoot'"- 

"Yea well it's not like I hurt anyone"- 

"You shot the hamster"- 

"Well only because the police intervened, and anyway, it's not like I killed it, the vet said that it died of shock"- 

"Yes well you'd be pretty shocked too if you had been shot by a bullet a third of the size of you!"-

"But I had a good reason-" 

"The teacher told you that 4+6 isn't 46"- 

"Well why are you bringing this up now anyway, it was ages ago, I was only seven! I mean what seven year old hasn't threatened their teacher with a gun…..five times in the same year!" Uncle Ferdinand just raised his eyebrows and sunk back down into his duvet again. 

"God! You are soooo unfair!" With that he stormed off back to his room leaving his Aunty and Uncle to watch the end of University Challenge in silence.

In his room Larry sat, alone, with nothing but a computer screen for company. One by one tears started to roll down his face as he read the message on his screen. Because of his argument with his Aunt and Uncle someone had out bidden him on e- bay and had won the signed drum- skins he had always dreamed of. He flipped onto his Aunt and Uncles email from "Pigspots disciplinary college for the gifted and talented yet bone idle". 

"Stupid relatives!" he muttered as he read the message, which, in fear of their own lives, they had tried to keep hidden from Larry. He had been accepted and would leave first thing in the morning. He pushed himself away from the computer desk and slide across the room on his swivel chair and across the sea of dirty underwear that was about an inch thick on his bedroom floor. He switched on his CD player up to full volume and moshed, for perhaps the last time in that house, or ever again. For what Larry had failed to notice was the address from which the message had been sent, or should I say the lack of address as there was none, just a space where it should be.

To Be Continued

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	2. Train Stations and Rick Waller's Double

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Chapter two- Train Stations and Rick Waller's double

Larry was awoken the next day by heavy knocking on his door. When he opened it he could just make out a blurry image of a huge great big man wearing a crash helmet and with a long greying black beard. Larry spent most of the time trying to figure out whether it was just grubby or whether it was 'Just for men' hair dye. The man boomed in a Somerset accent that Larry struggled to understand

"Hullo, you must be young Mr Bowler. Well it's been sometime since I've seen you. I'm sorry, I'm Hammered."

Larry replied whilst still rubbing his eyes and yawning, "That's ok, I'm feeling a bit rough myself at the moment anyway!" Hammered looked confused for a second before realising Larry's mistake,

"Oh no young Larry"-

"No really I am, I just want to be lying in a pool of vomit somewhere with my head in a urinal, like last Saturday" Hammered nodded understandingly before arguing,

"No, no, no, you don't understand, Hammered is my name, I've come to collect you and take you to your new school," Larry groaned as he remembered the email, the letterhead had read, 'the best education for your child, with the strictest security, and own indoor torture chamber for skivers….', it had been a long letterhead. Hammered continued,

"I played Father Christmas for many years, but only sick, deranged, and perverty women found me attractive like that, so now I occasionally plays Rick Waller's double for interviews and such, if Rick himself is 'otherwise engaged', for instance if he passes a McDonalds on the way and has got stuck in the kids play tubes, again." 

"Yea, ok!" Larry said, unconvinced "next you will be saying you get mistaken for Patrick Jones all the time!" Hammered looked genuinely hurt and cress- fallen before walking over to the mirror, sucking in as much of his gigantic belly as he could before announcing, "Why have I put on weight?" Larry looked confused, and then Hammered realised that he was warbling on about unimportant details,

"Anyway, how do I get to Pigspots?" 

"You get the 12:30 through to Bristol, where you change to the 4:15 to Cardiff, from where you take a bus through to Lincolnshire before finally catching the 9:18 to Staffordshire, don't be late young Master Bowler, Whatever you do." 

However it was not as simple as that, is it ever? Larry's first problem, and suspicion that something was not quite right happened when he attempted to find platform 10. He stopped off at platform 9 ¾'s for a bit at first, tripping the strange kids over as they jumped through a wall. He would lean against the wall as they took a run at it, and just at the last minute he would stick his foot out and laugh as they fell through the wall screaming in agony! Then at last he got bored and moved over to platform ten. There was lots of other teenagers there, all dressed similarly to Larry, and a lot carrying instrument cases of some sort, Larry glanced down at his own, empty hand, how he wished for a guitar, but his evil Aunty and Uncle had stopped him from getting one, saying that they couldn't afford one! Yea, like hell they couldn't, Larry had been stealing money from his Aunt's purse for years and she always had plenty of cash!

Larry looked round, spying out the various others who were standing around waiting for this stupid train. A boy, standing on the other side, leaning against a bulletin board caught his eye. He could see that his bright orange hair stood out a lot from all the other bland pink, green, and purple coloured haired teens. He coolly walked up, and stood beside him, took a breath before announcing,

"You play bass?" Larry had noticed from the guitar case in his hand that the boy probably did. He turned to face Larry, who now had a clear view of his face. He was quite a good-looking boy of around 15, who obviously disliked his locks as he had brushed his ginger hair into a Fran from Travis style mohican. Along the ridge of hair was a deep red stripe of dye. This gave the effect that his head was on fire, which Larry thought was undeniably cool!

"Yea, I do, what do you play?" Larry blushed; he had a secret suspicion that he could be an ace vocalist. But this was a suspicion not shared by anyone else. He casually pointed to his neck, the boy nodded his head slowly to show that he understood,

"I'm Rod, Rod Water- Rat, and you are?"

"Larry, Larry Bowler" Rod's face went pale at the mention of Larry's name,

"You're Larry Bowler! The Larry Bowler"

"Yes?!" Larry replied, cautious about this recognisation at his name, and at the disappearance of any form of cool from Rod as he became more like an excited schoolboy, "how do you know me?" But Rod was too excited. He started to babble on about nothingness for ages, and Larry became bored quickly. He yawned and switched off, his eyes glazed over and his brain faintly noticed bizarre hand movements that Rod was making. A few hours afterwards, in fact after about 9 hours, "they never should have privatised the railways" many complained. Apparently the millionaire in charge was absailing around the world in a canoe, "hope he burns up in re-entry!" sniggered Larry, laughing at his own joke.

When at last the train came it was an amazing machine. It had so many 'clean me!' and various other messages unrepeatable in this context, had been written all over its dusty, dirty body. It was a retired Rail track train, the sort that you see crashing on the news all he time! Larry stared in wonder at how someone had managed to write on the very back end of the train one message, "You just missed the 'Pigspots express'". Larry struggled aboard trying his hardest to squeeze past all the other teens, and practically leaping to get a window seat. Rod was following behind him, like a lost, unwanted puppy, with a mohican, and a bass guitar, so in other words nothing like a puppy. He was still blabbering on about something or other, Larry wasn't really interested, Rod asked-

"Can I sit here?"

"No" replied Larry quietly, but Rod still planted himself down opposite Larry, chattering so much that he didn't hear him, "does anyone want to switch places with me?" he yelled down the crowded carriage. But everyone was either too busy chatting, or listening to head phones, or putting out their cigarettes on the no- smoking sign, which was gradually being worn away as they continually burnt it. He turned around reluctantly facing Rod, and decided to at least appear interested at the same time as flicking bits of dried chewing gum off his seat at him,

"Everything alright?" Rod asked, "Fan- bloody –tastic!" Larry replied contemptuously. Rod failed to note his tone and continued,

"So, if it's really you, do you have the mark?" Larry looked confused at him and just wished he would shut up, he still felt pretty rough, he shrugged as angrily as he could shrug, but it is hard to shrug angrily so Rod didn't notice, 

"You know, the sign!" Rod persisted; Larry was getting really annoyed now,

"What sign, just spit it out!," Rod mouthed something, Larry sighed obviously, Rod picked up the hint this time and so said, 

"The eczema, the one that HE gave you, when you were a baby!" Larry looked alarmed at this, "Whose HE? how do you know about my eczema? And what the heck are you going on about? What's going on? Where am I? Who am I? I can't be him, he's dead isn't he?!" With that sudden burst of thought Larry fainted. It had been such a while since his brain had needed to think that he couldn't cope. 

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	3. The Truth About Pigspots

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Chapter three- the truth about Pig Spots

The train reached Staffordshire, and it was here that Larry woke back to consciousness. He later discovered that Rod had carried his unconscious body past many train stations until finally here. Larry's eyes were bleary, but that was nothing new to him, however everything else was. Staffordshire was like something he had never seen before. It was a picturesque village in the countryside, that sort of village only seen in Watercolour challenge, and Midsummer Murders. He had been convinced up until that day that it was a just a government conspiracy, and these places didn't really exist. They were like the computer-generated space in Star Wars, living only in the minds of Madmen, like George Lucas. However here it was, and it sucked! 

It took a massive trek up a cliff, yea sure everyone else called it a hill, but Larry knew that it really was the slightly younger twin of Everest, and after all, who had managed to climb Everest? No- one, precisely! Only then he had to get into some wobbly little boats and paddle for the life of him to get to some great big castle thing that through Larry's eyes seemed more like a massive grey blob, in between the blurry blobs that surrounded it, he still felt a bit rough! At last Larry reached the castle blob thing and once inside Larry suspected something was wrong. Maybe it was the subtle hint dropped by the Woman in charge. A tall, thin woman, with wirery hair, an unusual hat and bad breath, who announced, 

"Welcome to Pigspots School for Wizardry, Witchcraft, and rock music!" 'Rock music?' Larry thought, 'this could be fun after all!' And after a long speech from the woman, Larry spotted Hammered, who was signalling to him to go over towards him. Hammered had a lot of explaining to do, and fast,

"You're a Rock star Larry, and I'm willing to bet you'll be a mighty good one an' all as your magic as well!" Larry stared blankly at Hammered, he already knew he was wonderful, just one look in the mirror told him that, but the magical thing? Hammered could see that it would be hard enough for any normal lad to understand, never mind Larry, so he tried his hardest to explain, "Have you ever done anything extra- ordinary, when you were really angry or sad?" Larry stared blankly again, Hammered was trying to work out if this was just a Larry thing to do, or if it was his way of thinking, then Larry replied,

"No." Hammered looked concerned, then anxious,

"You are Larry Bowler right? Son of Travis and Courtney Bowler?" 

"Yea, what about it, they died in a car accident, I was bought up by my Uncle and Aunty, they had a son, but he had to go away to a special safe house after the 'spoon' incident. I'm not supposed to talk about it, for legal reasons, my lawyer is still in counselling." Hammered was unsure about what to do with this information, then he spoke,

"Your parent's could have been the best rock stars the world has ever seen. They came here, they were very magical as well, but they were killed in a pub brawl," he paused before admitting "well, I say Pub brawl, but I really mean, thrown off the end of the earth by an evil magical power who almost took over the world. But same difference. I probably should have told you that!" Larry stared blankly, Hammered decided it was shock. Larry's brain slowly started to process this information, then, after a few minutes, once it was sorted amongst the various other pieces of important information in his brain, like song lyrics, and cheats for his X- box game Halo, he asked a question, 

"So am I unusual, special, because I'm magic and musical?" Hammered replied, unsure about Larry's tone of voice, 

"Not really very unusual, as everyone else here is magic and musical, but none are as naturally talented as you. You are the stuff of legends, there have been prophecies, and everyone is intrigued about the fact that HE, didn't kill you. Something stumped him about you," 

"Yea, yea, yea, whatever," Larry was becoming bored, "Are you sure I'm magical? Shouldn't I have a wand or something? Or a glamorous assistant, or load of hankies in my pocket?" He started to wave his hands around and try to move things with the powers of his eyes, Hammered sighed an un-enchanted sigh before saying,

"Yes, didn't you ever wonder about your third eye, didn't you ever think, that's unusual?" Larry returned to staring blankly, "You don't have a third eye? Are you sure you're who you say you are?" Just then something caught Hammered's eye, "The eczema!" he whispered, and he kneeled down in front of Larry. "I'm sorry I ever doubted you!" Larry stared at the patch on his arm, he had had this itchy skin condition all his life, he scratched at it absently whilst replying, 

"Yea, Rod said about that, what's all this stuff about the eczema about anyway? There was another lad on the train with eczema, I don't see him getting a kneeling" Hammered rose to his feet, very slowly as it was like the raising of the titanic, a sudden movement and he could fall apart. Once he was sitting next to Larry again, he spoke, 

"HE gave you that eczema!" 

"Who is HE?" Larry yelled, sick of hearing about HIM, What was wrong, didn't HE have a name or something? Hammered settled himself, and began to tell Larry some home truths, 

"Listen young Larry, not all the students of Pigspots are good, some of them turn bad. Awhile back there was another very talented magical rock star, very promising he was too, but he turned evil! His name was Ult- Ult-Ult -U-Ul.." Larry raised his eyebrows, 

"Just say his name, write it down, it can't be that bad. Are you choking?" Hammered had turned an unusual shade of purple, he nodded his head vigorously. 

One Heimlich manoeuvre later and Hammered could continue, 

"His name was Ulti-mart, his parents were fans of convenience stores," Larry winced at the idea of being named after a shop, "if you think that's bad, master Bowler, then you should just consider his luck, his younger sister's and brother's were called B and Q, and Home base, his older brother was called Kwik-save!" Larry nodded seriously in agreement, "Anyway, he turned about as bad as they can go, he went to the other side," 

"You mean"-

"Yes young Larry, he became a pop- star!" Larry gasped in horror, and went pale and felt queasy, "I never said it would be easy to take"

"My parents were killed by a pop star, who?" Larry demanded,

"Now, I don't think I should say,"-

"Who?"

"Now, I don't think it will help,"-

"Tell me who!"

"Well, he can take many forms, but at that time he was, are you sure you want to know?"

"Argggggghhhhhhh!" screamed Larry,

"Ok, OK! He was Prince,"

"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Larry,

"I'm sorry, but it was the outfits, and the high pitched singing, and the dance moves, they didn't stand a chance," Larry sobbed, "After that he disappeared for a while, we thought that maybe he was Michael Jackson, so we did all we could to stop him from world domination, we bribed his plastic surgeon to do a bad job on his face, his disappearance from the music scene, that was down to us, and his disappearance now, despite his 'come- back', is because he is tied up and gagged in one of the cupboards round here somewhere" Larry shuddered at the thought, "We now know that it isn't him, he would be too weak to moonwalk, but we still have Michael tied up, it's for the greater good of humanity." They both silently nodded in agreement.

"So how come no one ever has come here and noticed all the weirdness?"

"This is Staffordshire Larry, no one ever comes here, they just hear about it on the telly, in fact, if you looked for it on a map, it wouldn't even be there!"

"And erm, why did it say on my acceptance letter to here that it was a disciplinary college?"

"It was a type- o, and also we figured, looking at your past record, that your Aunt and Uncle wouldn't be too keen on us teaching you magic, now would they?"

"Ok then, so I get extra special treatment, and get taught how to play guitar, and how to do magic?"

"Yes Larry, in fact tomorrow we will go to town to buy supplies, I probably should have done that already!"

"Fantastic! Will I get to do that handkerchief trick that Paul Daniels does?"

"Larry, you will be able to make Paul Daniels, in fact that is how he came into existence, he was someone's experiment, to make a half garden gnome, half magician creature, but he escaped."

"Hmm, I suppose that will do! So will I get special lessons and stuff like that?"

"Even better Larry!" Hammered smiled suspiciously, "You will get double the amount of lessons, and double the homework of normal school!"

"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


	4. Rapping Baseball Caps

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Chapter 4- Rapping Baseball Caps

After this little talk with Hammered, Larry returned to the rest of the group who were heading towards 'the dining Hall'. Larry yawned, he was tired and the novelty of his situation was wearing off fast, he needed excitement, adventure, and then there she was. Perhaps it was the way the gaslights captured her face, or the delicate way that she slouched in the corner, arms neatly crossed, and exquisite frown she wore alongside her threatening, stay away from me or else dog collar. Or maybe it was the fact that she was wearing a low cut belly top, and Larry was a 15 year old lad. Either way, Larry was drawn to her, but before he had a chance, Rod came bouncing up, as if the space hopper that had occupied the vacancy in his head, where his brain should have been, had slipped. He had just noticed Larry had come back and was eager to continue 'their' conversation. 

"So who was that?" Rod asked,

"No one," Larry answered distractedly, "Who's that?" he said, a look of painful pining creeping across his face whilst pointing at the girl longing fully. Rod noticed his look, despite not being one of the best at noticing such details, and warned Larry in his most serious voice,

"I'd stay away from her if I were you, there have been rumours, she is the black sheep of a long line of witches, she should be strong and quite powerful, but, she has chosen another path,"

"What do you mean? She is turning to the other side? She's not gonna become," he gulped at the very thought of the word, "a dance act!?"

"No, no, no!" Rod reassured Larry, who breathed a sigh of relief, 

"It's the worst nightmare of every magical parent, the biggest embarrassment that a family can suffer, she's rumoured to want to be"-

he took a long, heavy stare at Larry's face, to check that he was prepared,

"a magician!" Larry continued to look blankly at Rod for a bit, until he finally said, 

"What's wrong with that, when I was little I owned a magician's set, and that thing David Blaine does with the chicken's head, now that's just cool!" Rod stared at him in disbelief. Larry now felt the urge that they were meant for each other (he and whoever she was, not he and Rod!), they had so much in common, he gingerly ventured towards her until he was right behind her, and then tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around, and pulled two, neatly manicured fingers painted in thick black varnish, and thrust them in his face before walking off with the rest of the group. Rod patted him comfortingly on the shoulder, making him jump,

"I warned she's a tough one, her name's Harmonious, Harmonious Racket, mind you with a name like that, anyway, everyone just calls her Harm. I'm sure you'll be seeing a lot more of her, let's catch up with the others" Rod grabbed Larry's hand, much to Larry's dislike, and dragged him after the others.

The dining hall was huge, a gigantic room with six large tables full of pupils all busy chatting to one another. Rod explained to Larry that each table represented a house, and that they would be sorted into a house by the mystical sorting cap, which had been in existence since the dawn of rap. They all headed to the front, where the bossy woman began to speak again. Larry had a faint idea that she was a teacher of some sort, though he still had no idea what her name was, although that was very astute for Larry, it meant that he already knew more about his teachers in this school than in his entire years of education previously! She read out various names and those chosen would step up, sit on a small stool and have a large red baseball cap placed on their head. But not just any baseball cap, it would twist and turn, fireworks came out of it, and then it would rap, much to the fright of the pupil wearing it. 

"What did I take last night?" wondered Larry, and then Harm was brought up. The cap pondered and wondered for some time before rapping 

"Gruff-old-dog! (Keep rollin', rollin', rollin'!)" cheers went up as she walked to a table full of teenagers with calculators and text books entitled "The step by step guide for exam success in just 100 years, in the field of quantum mechanics and their role in the transfiguration of magical creatures and public transport" Larry gasped, but he knew that that group couldn't possibly get any worse, and Harm was worth it. 

"Larry Bowler" announced the woman, gasps surrounded him as a million faces fell silent, eager to see where this wonder would be living. He stepped up slowly, nervous now that so much attention was on him. Gradually he lowered himself into the seat, and the cap was ceremoniously placed on his head. He glanced around at the various tables, first there was Gruffolddog, the 'intellectual' table, but with Harm, then there was Slipping-in, filled with suspicious looking character's that Larry decided were a little bit dodgy, one of his most treasured life mottos was, 'never trust any lad who bleaches his hair, it's unnatural, and decidedly dodgy", the other was "if you can't remember how you managed to get on to this kayak with a goldfish in a plastic carrier bag and a tattoo of John Major on an area you hoped no man would ever go, then last night must have been fantastic! (albeit, scarily like last Tuesday night!)", yet this table was filled with identical copies of spike from Buffy the vampire slayer, complete with teeth. The next table was called Tangapants, and was filled with only lads, all holding hands and wearing their pink and purple blazers with wide, white grins, Larry was disturbed by this as he knew from his own experience that normal lads didn't have such a high standard of hygiene, or wear badges of Cliff Richard. The fourth table was the most promising, filled with depressive teens, whose blazers hadn't been washed, ever, and grimy hair to match, now these were people he could relate to, then the final table comprised of various members with either singed hair, or no hair, they were obviously the table of pupils who were bad at performing magic, their blazers were stained various shades of green and their name was quite uninspiring, "Portaloo"

"Gruffolddog! (Is in da house, everybody say whooooooaaaaa!)" announced the cap; Larry happily skipped down the steps to the table and planted himself firmly down next to Harm, who turned her head away in disgust. But the one thing Larry hadn't thought of, the one thing that could spoil his fun, happened. Rod bounced down the steps, waving to the "Tangapants" joyfully as he made his way to "Gruffolddog" and planted himself firmly between Harm and Larry, 

"So," he announced, "Who's gonna have the top bunk?"


	5. Tour Guides and Tortoises

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Chapter five- Tour guides and Tortoises

After this revelation Larry's mood was darker than ever, especially since Harm seemed to instantly click with Rod, and the two of them sat there, discussing different ways to purify a scallop without removing it's shell, upside-down. Larry just kept thinking, 'get a room why don't you!' and scowled at Rod every time he tried to allow Larry into the conversation.

A tour of the building was lead by Oswald Twig, the house captain of the Gruffolddogs, everyone just called him Ozzy. Shocked, and astonished cries rang out as pupils noticed that the paintings moved on the walls, making obscene gestures, and mouthing unimaginable phrases at the new students as they made their way to the graffiti stained escalators,

"Here graffiti is encouraged, and severe punishments are dealt out to those who refuse to participate," Ozzy continued, "And careful of the escalators, they like to run backwards!" Larry sniggered as he noticed a number of students running as fast as they could whilst the escalator's attempted to make them fall to their deaths. "We've lost a lot of good pupils to these escalators," sighed Ozzy, "but on the bright side, I was 20 stone when I arrived here, they act just like a treadmill, one day I was minding my own business when the escalator started to run backwards, for 24 hours! When I came off I looked like this!" Larry looked impressively at Ozzy's toned body, but became worried when he noticed quite how interested Rod seemed. "They got them cheap at a car boot sale in Hull, it's amazing what a couple of 50p's will buy you!" admitted Ozzy.

At the end of the tour Ozzy lead the group to the door of their dorms, where he whispered the password "The Happy Monday's rock!" into the keyhole. "The password was made up a long time ago!" Ozzy explained.

The next day Larry woke with a shock as he found Rod in his bed!

"Arggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh! What are you doing?"

"I sleep walk," yawned Rod, before he muttered to himself, "I may be sleep walking around that nice young Ozzy's bed tonight!" Larry heard this, and decided to just back away slowly, before dashing to the bathroom, and locking the door. Shortly after this Hammered came to collect Larry, and only Larry, despite Rod's plea's of, "But I love shopping!" But Rod wouldn't have enjoyed it, it wasn't clothes shopping. There were certain pieces of equipment that Hammered had forgotten to buy with Larry, and they were important.

Hammered took Larry to the outhouse round the back, he always needed the loo before a long journey. Once he'd finished he started to tap out a tune onto the bricks at the back of the building. Larry was sure he recognised the tune, but he didn't know where from. After his musical interlude Hammered clasped the door handle that had been on the wall all along and opened it. Inside was an ancient looking shopping street; it looked very, very seventies. 

"Firstly Larry, you will need to buy a familiar,"

"A what-illia?" Larry answered, confused, and slightly alarmed at how sober he was, this was an unusual feeling for him,

"A familiar, a pet,"

"Oh, a pet, like a witches cat,"

"Yes, exactly,"

"Or owl,"

"if you bend the rules then yes,"

"Or a rhino,"

"well not normally,"

"or a crocodile, I've always wanted a pet crocodile, ever since that crocodile spoke to me at the zoo that time!" Larry continued absent-mindedly.

"We'll see, but I have to warn you, all of the best familiars have already been bought, you will have to choose from what's left," Hammered cautioned Larry as they approached the pet store. 

Inside the shop it was almost magical, rows and rows of tanks and cages filled with wonderful and unusual creatures. Glow in the dark lizards, featherless kangaroos, and amazingly, cats that swam! 

"Can I help you?" asked an ancient shopkeeper who was almost as old as the street and creaked as he straightened his back like an old egg whisk, or something else that might creak.

"This is young master Bowler," Hammered introduced the now gob-smacked shopkeeper to Larry who was totally uninterested as he noticed a mirror and started to rearrange his hair, which seemed to have gone flat. 

"Master Bowler has just joined Pig spots, and needs a familiar," continued Hammered,

"Yes, yes of course," the shop keeper stuttered, now knowing that he was in the presence of greatness, he couldn't pull his eyes away from Larry who sizing up his muscles in the mirror, as Shakespeare might have once. The shopkeeper shook his head to try and get back to the subject,

"So he is in the first year," the shopkeeper asked, Hammered nodded a reply, "Then you know that there are certain familiars he cannot have, I've got a list somewhere." The old man crouched stiffly below the counter searching with his aged hands for a list, once he found it he straightened his back and passed the scroll to Hammered who promptly unravelled the paper which turned out to be slightly longer than he had originally thought. To be exact, 20 metres longer than he had expected, and he had expected a long list!

"Just a few he can't have," Hammered mused, "What exactly can he have?"

"A vegetarian Piranha, no we've sold out of them, erm, a skinless cat, but that could be messy," he racked his brain, trying to think what he had left,

"Actually I think I still have some of those exploding goldfish, the ones where if you expose them to light then they explode." He glanced over to Larry who was replacing a burning black cloth over the tank,

"I just wanted to see what was in the tank, and I couldn't see when that big old dumb cloth was over it!"

"Well I did have some of those Goldfish, never mind, it is master Bowler after all. Oh, I know, I do have one left of that, follow me," the man beckoned Hammered and Larry who both followed the man as he hobbled up the short stone steps into the back room. The solid door slammed shut on Larry, and suddenly everywhere went very quiet, and very black!


	6. Perfect Partners

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Chapter Six- Perfect Partners

Larry woke up with a start, the door had closed very fast and very hard on his nose, but luckily he was used to falling flat on his face, so little damage was done. His attention was then drawn to a cloaked chest in the corner with strange scratching sounds emanating from within it. 

"This creature is very, very unusual, a rare animal that is extinct in the normal world, and only a few are left here in the magical one, this is the only one I have, so take care of it, and remember it has only got a 24 hour guarantee, so if it breaks after that then I won't give any refunds, so don't say I didn't warn you!" He then walked back down the stairs with Hammered to discuss the price, leaving Larry alone with the chest, a bad idea in itself. He slowly reached out to the cloak and pulled it off the top of the chest, the scratching got louder. Larry wondered what amazing creature had to be contained within such a heavy box; just a peak wouldn't hurt, would it? He checked behind him that the door was shut, and then started to unlatch the buckles on the chest, the scratching became more frantic, but this only encouraged Larry to speed up. Practically tearing off the latches he hurriedly lifted the lid of the chest and unleashed a flurry of white feathers that flew straight at his face, pushing him over as it circled the room in a panicked rush before finally landing back in the chest. Once the bird had calmed down Larry peered into the chest and gasped in disgust, a chicken!

This was no ordinary Chicken though, as Hammered explained to Larry as they left the shop, the heavy chest locked again and swinging loosely from Hammered's hand. 

"This Chicken can fly,"

"So can normal chickens, that's how they manage to perch so high up,"

"No, but, yes, erm…I don't believe it, I fell for that shopkeepers con, I can always tell when someone's lying, normally. This has never happened before, I promise!"

"Well that's really great for you, but how is that helping me? Thanks to you I now have a pet Chicken, not even a nice one, it's got a bald spot on it's head! Why did you possibly think that I would want a bald chicken as a familiar?"

"Ahh, yes, but the shopkeeper said"-

"This is the same shopkeeper who told you that chickens couldn't fly?"

"Yes, that one, anyway he said that bald chickens are more virile,"

"And can you please remind me why I would want a horny, bald chicken? I'm not Rod!"

"Well what's done is done, so what are you gonna call the little fella?"

"Call it? What apart from over priced farmyard reject?"

"Yes, apart from that?"

"Well, he needs a wig, that's it, I will call him 'Needsawig'!"

Hammered wasn't convinced, but he could see there was no point in arguing. Larry was very cross as it was, so instead he steered him towards a small, dank, dirty little shop at the very end of the street. The sign that swung outside was very much like that of a pub, and it read in peeling gold paint, 'Wands 'r' us!'

"Now young Larry, despite what the sign says, we aren't buying a wand, one because thanks to that shopkeeper we don't really have a lot of money left, and two because they are very olden fashioned."

"Then what are we buying?"

"Well it's much more useful in Pig Spots where you learn music as well, to combine the two by buying an item such as an enchanted plectrum or drum stick, although between you and me I wouldn't suggest getting a drum stick as really they are just old wands, clumsy old things. No a plectrum is what you want, and this is the place to get the latest models, well go in!" he pushed Larry into the shop. The first thing Larry noticed was the shopkeeper, who looked suspiciously like Elvis Presley. 

"So how can I help you Ham?" the man asked Hammered, they obviously knew each other,

"Well, Elvis, this ere is young master Bowler, and he has just started at Pig Spots, he has got his familiar, and needs a nice plectrum, but not too nice as he was scammed out of a bit too much money for his chicken."

"Those people at KFC will always screw you over won't they? But how is that possible, you're normally so good?"

"Well what can I say, I tried to warn the lad, but he really wanted a bald chicken, and far be it for me to come between a boy and his chicken!"

"Well we'll see what we can do shall we?" Elvis smiled warmly at Larry who just couldn't be bothered arguing. Elvis then spun round and searched through the untidy stacks of boxes before coming back with a small, dusty box, "Latest technology this is, well wave it about a bit,"

Larry was having trouble, he wasn't sure that he knew how to wave a plectrum, but after a bit of direction he was air strumming away with it, but as the smashed window showed, maybe this plectrum was too powerful for Larry. Elvis then ran back and searched for another,

"I wonder?" he muttered, "here, try this one, careful now" Larry clasped the plectrum in his hand, angelic voices sounded, a mysterious but cooling breeze swept through his hair, a golden light shone behind him. "Well I wonder, you see Larry, there is only ever one plectrum for everyone, each person is destined for there perfect plectrum, I think we have found yours. And the mysterious thing is that the rest of my stock of that type of plectrum was stolen last night, as if someone didn't want you to have that plectrum. So the result is that only one other person has that type of plectrum, the same man who gave you that eczema!"

"How much?" Hammered asked, and on hearing the answer he grew pale and quite grey before saying, "Well Larry for you there will have to be two perfect partners, as that plectrum can't be yours, or anyone's at that sort of price! What about that one?" Elvis looked dubiously at Hammered before handing Larry one of his economy brand plectrums. Larry spun round the room attempting to get the plectrum under control,

"He'll grow into it!" Hammered reassured Elvis who was keeping a careful eye on Larry, "We'll take it!"

There was just one more place that Hammered had to go, the Bank, so he pulled Larry, who was struggling to carry Needsawig's chest and the aggressive plectrum who Larry was sure had a mind of it's own. The Bank was a gigantic building that stood in the centre of the street, people were forced to walk round it, it was a bit in the way really. From the outside it seemed like a perfectly respectable museum like building, but inside it was like a seedy night bar. Music played and people sat at tables under pink and blue lights sipping beers. But most disturbingly small dwarf like men with pointed noses and ears were wandering around in golden bikini tops and hot pants serving drinks and bank statements. "This is why I don't like being sober!" Larry thought to himself, trying hard not to stare. Hammered didn't seem bothered at all, and completely ignored the surroundings whilst he walked up to the bar and ordered two pints of larger, an orange juice and a withdrawal from two accounts. Larry was disappointed, 

"An orange juice!"

"Yes well I do have to drive later on, drink up, you are a larger drinker aren't you?"

"I'm an anything alcoholic drinker!" a very happy Larry replied whilst slurping down his booze. Then one of the bar 'staff' gestured to them to follow him or her, Larry didn't know which he should say it was. Larry and Hammered followed the dwarf round the back where under the blue strip lights they both sat down in a golfing buggy that the Dwarf steered down the long corridor. 

"This is where all the money in Staffordshire is kept, even you have some money in here, you didn't think your parents would leave you with no money did you? Room 101, that's the one that they left to you, here it is now!" The dwarf stopped the buggy and stepped out in his high, golden, kitten heels, and walked up to the door. He searched through a number of keys he had on a metal ring and then singled one out. The key was thrust into the lock but wouldn't turn, so another was tried, and another. The dwarf scratched his head and pulled a hairgrip from his beard, bent it out of shape and forced that in, a few minutes later the door was open. But the room was empty except for a small note in the centre of the room, Larry slowly stepped off the buggy and walked up to the note, 'I . O . U, Larry Bowler £1000000005000003000000600001-50.'

"The greedy sods spent all my money! They left it to me, and then spent it, my own parents!" Hammered fished around in his pocket and pulled out a pencil and scrap of paper, he scrawled something out on the paper and then passed to Larry, 

"'I . O . U, Hammered £1000000667-90!' What's that for?" 

"Your supplies, transport, the familiar, pay in your own time of course!"

Larry was too angry to speak so he just sat back down in the buggy, arms crossed, sulking. Hammered sat back down in the buggy next to him, the Dwarf pulled the door to, and performed a three point turn quite impressively before driving the buggy back down the corridor. He stopped the Buggy at room 13 and stepped down. The door was only held shut by a pad lock and bolt, attached at the top of the door. The Dwarf searched for the right key and then started jumping to try and grab the lock, again and again he tried until finally Hammered stepped out of the buggy and picked up the Dwarf, lifted him to the locks height and waited as he unlocked the door, to mutters of 'for goodness sake!' from Larry. Once opened Hammered stepped in and picked up a brown paper bag from the middle of the room, nodded to the Dwarf as he stepped out and off they went whilst Hammered pocketed the bag. 

"My sandwiches!" he simply explained to an unconvinced Larry as the buggy drew up to the end of the corridor and Larry and Hammered left the bank in silence.


	7. Flying Thongs

Chapter Seven-Flying Thongs  
  
By the time Larry and Hammered had returned from their shopping trip it was teatime; unsurprisingly this was Hammered's favourite time of day. Everyone was gathered in the dining hall where a great feast of pizza, chips and mini sausages on sticks were served along the gigantic tables. Rod immediately noticed Larry's arrival and started jumping up and down and waving his gangly arms like an Orang utan in heat. Larry considered whether in fact Rod was an orang utan in heat before trying to ignore him as he frantically looked for somewhere else to sit, but unfortunately everywhere else was taken. So reluctantly Larry sat himself down in the space Rod had saved for him by placing his handbag there. Rod started chatting away to Larry who readily ignored him, taking full advantage of his newly sober state. The lagers hadn't blurred his vision but they had ridden him of his headache and so suddenly everywhere was in crystal clear focus and glorious Technicolor. For the first time Larry noticed the large bench at the front of the hall at which many teachers sat. Hammered, who through a new technique Larry had adopted called 'conversation' Larry had discovered was the gamekeeper and whose job it was to stack up the Cluedo sets when everyone had finished playing, was sitting at the end of the bench. At the centre, sitting next to the strict teacher who Larry didn't know the name of, was a strange looking old man. His face looked very, very old, but his lip ring, sun glasses, backwards cap and baggy cropped pants confused Larry. "Who is that?" Larry asked Rod, who seemed to know a lot about this whole place. Rod stopped blabbering, a little taken aback at the realisation that Larry hadn't actually been listening to him, but still happy to be asked something. He peered towards the teacher's bench, "Well, I'll go through and tell you which teachers I know, that's Professor McGoneAgain," he pointed towards the strict teacher, Larry sighed, he would never remember all their names, "she teaches transfiguration,"- "Pardon? Are they allowed to teach that? I mean I'm not against that sort of behaviour, when I was two I used to prance around in my aunts high heels, but it's a personal decision surely?" "Transfiguration is the changing of one thing into another!" "Oh! Like a caterpillar into a butterfly?" "Sort of, but more like turning a jar of jam into a jar of pickled onions!" Rod explained as he scoffed as many sausages into his mouth as he could, Larry looked unimpressed, "But she can't be any good," "Why?" Rod managed to say without spitting out too much meat onto the table, "Well you would give yourself a better face than that if you were really good, wouldn't you?" "Hmmm, I suppose so," mused Rod before continuing, "Next to her, the one you were pointing at, is the head master, Professor Stumbleforth, a great, great man, he is said to be one of the finest wizards this side of Bristol!" Larry stared uninspired at the little man who seemed to be drinking an awful lot of homemade beer; Larry was alarmed at the waste as more seemed to be spilt on his long grey beard than into his mouth. Larry wondered if in fact he was saving it for later on, so that he could suck the alcohol out of his beard like an alcoholic's sponge. Larry wanted a beard. "And then there is our flying instructor, Professor Hooch, oh, and at the end, giving you an icy cold stare and making slitting throat motions at you is Professor Snack, our potions teacher, and head of the house of Slipping- in" Larry immediately turned his attention to this teacher, and suddenly his eczema started to burn up in pain, he started to scratch it but still it hurt like hell. Rod noticed Larry's pain and asked, "Don't you have some cream for that or something?" "I think it is because Professor Snack is staring at me, owwwwwww!" And then Professor snack's attention was lost as he stopped staring at Larry and instead began taking copious amounts of Jammie dodgers from the large plate full of them that was being passed around the bench. Larry's eczema suddenly stopped burning up, but he was very weary of the teacher. Professor Snack's long blonde hair was bordering on curtains and his black, tight, sleeveless top was alarmingly boy- bandish! "Oh, I almost forgot, the nervous looking teacher beside him, that's Professor Squirrel, he will teach us defence against the dark arts, like trolls, and Robbie Williams, sorry, they're the same thing aren't they!" By now Larry wasn't listening to Rod, something about Professor Squirrel was very squirrel like, maybe it was his sticking out front teeth, his hunched figure, his twitching nose, or even maybe his bushy tail that poked out of his trousers, Larry just couldn't decide, but there was definitely something rodent like about Professor Squirrel that made Larry want to set up a mouse trap or lay down some poison. Rod continued, "no- one knows why he wears a bandana, I think that secretly he has curly hair, but others reckon he has an embarrassing tattoo, but no- one really knows!"- But Rod was cut short by the arrival of a strange looking boy, obviously from the Slipping-in house as he had slicked back platinum blonde hair, Larry was instantly cautious at the sight of the boy's soft skin, did he use moisturiser?! "So you're that Bowler boy, the one everyone's been talking about," Larry was confused, should he say yes, or was it one of those rhetorical questions he had heard about on Countdown? But before he could make up his mind the boy continued, "The names Drunko, Drunko Malpractice-Lawsuit." The boy offered his hand to Larry in friendship, "You don't want to go making a bad first impression of yourself by hanging around with TangaPants rejects like him," Drunko nodded towards Rod, this was true, Larry didn't want to make a bad first impression, and he also didn't want to end up friends with people like Rod, but Larry had never trusted people with hyphens in their names, and especially not those who actually said hyphen when introducing themselves. Larry backed away from Drunko's clammy hand. "I think I can tell who I should make friends with,"- Rod grinned, "Hey Harm, don't I," he turned to Harmonious who completely ignored him, he blushed, and turned back to the fuming Drunko. "You'll live to regret this Bowler!" "What? Are we in some bad Bond movie? In that case me and Miss Moneypenny here," he pointed to Rod, "will be fine without you, Octopussy!" Drunko gave him a look of disgust, made a humph noise and turned around to leave, "Good come back!" Larry laughed, Drunko spun round and gave a cunning look of devious evil and simply said, "I'll be back!" before turning round and marching back to the Slipping-in table. "That's Arnold Swarzenagger, don't you know anything?!" Larry yelled after Drunko as he marched off. Larry settled back into his chair, teatime was almost over, and he was about to become aware of one last tradition. Professor Stumbleforth drunkenly stood up and clambered up onto the front bench a pint of homemade beer in one hand as he began, "Sing, song, sing Auld Lang Syne!" he managed to slur through his drunkenness. This was a tradition in Pig Spots, a tradition handed down from generation to generation, like insanity or warts. The fact that no one in the world knows all the words to Auld Lang Syne never put anyone off, not even the man who invented it knew, he was probably drunk at the time himself! But after the 'good olden fashioned sing song' all the houses returned to their dorms. But there was still one more person Larry had to meet. As they approached the Gruffolddog Dorm what seemed to be a flying thong flew towards them, they ducked just in time and could faintly hear a dirty, haunting laugh as the thong flew away down the corridor. Ozzy explained, "That was one of our resident ghosts, his name is Perves, he is always in the girls dorms, and he loves to fly around with thongs on his head!" Larry accepted this explanation as if this sort of thing happened all the time, and retired for bed, as tomorrow lessons started, and that was the one thing that Larry was truly dreading. 


	8. Poundhollow

Chapter Eight- Poundhollow  
  
The next day, on his way to first lesson, Larry couldn't stop wondering whose thong Perves had been wearing. He voiced this pondery to Rod who just blushed before suggesting that maybe it had been from the boy's dorm? This thought disappointed Larry the most since he had heard that Jessica Rabbit was a cartoon! So he decided to sulk for the rest of the day, but it didn't last long, the lessons were so different at Pig Spots that he didn't have time to sulk. Who could when they were taught the delicate art of how to trash a hotel room, Herbology (no more needs to be said!), and history lessons in which Lord of the rings is watched? But halfway through the week some bad news hovered over the Gruffolddog lessons. The announcement was made that flying lessons were to be a joint lesson between the houses of Gruffolddog and Slippingin. The whole of both houses were outraged, Drunko was very close to drawing up an official complaint! 'What a sad case!' Larry had thought as he sat next to an un- naturally quiet Rod. In fact Larry had noticed that Rod had been very quiet ever since Larry had asked him whom he thought the flying thong had belonged to. After lunch both first year classes from Slippingin and Gruffolddog gathered outside in the courtyard of Pig Spots. First years weren't allowed their own flying equipment so they all had to share the schools ancient supplies. Dressed in high horse riding boots and carrying under her arm a whip, Professor Hooch pulled out two huge golfing bags with her as she marched out to the group of nervous pupils. Professor Hooch was a very butch teacher, with short greying hair and an even shorter temper! She looked as if she would be more at home in Madame Helgar's house of pain, or that she should be living with a German lesbian called Herman! But no this woman was instead going to teach them how to fly, apparently. Larry still couldn't quite get his head round the idea; after all flying does seem a bit ridiculous. But of course Drunko was boasting about how good he was and how he should be on the Poundhollow team, whatever Poundhollow was.  
  
Professor Hooch passed round the equipment and began to explain how to fly. However they weren't using brooms, much to Larry's relief and embarrassment, earlier he had seen the very scary caretaker sweeping up and had mistaken him for the flying instructor. Larry cringed as he remembered trying to suck up to him by saying "That's a nice broom, latest model isn't it?" and when he tried to joke with him by saying, "Be careful though, you could have someone's eye out with that!" had been horrifying enough at the time as the caretaker had turned his head to face Larry to reveal his pirate style eye patch. Now it made sense that when Larry told him "I'll see you later then!" that the caretaker had cackled an evil laugh which had turned into an uproar as Larry turned and continued down the corridor. Instead a number of rusty microphone stands, with microphones attached were placed in front of each pupil. "Now, to raise your stand tell your stand 'get up here now you piece of old junk, call yourself a microphone stand, your not fit for a Zimerframe!'" As all the pupils attempted this only two stands obeyed their masters, Drunko, who was every bit as good as he had boasted, and Larry's, thanks partly to the kick he had added in for good measure! "Good! Improvisation!" Professor Hooch seemed impressed with Larry's efforts, "Now get your leg over-" This statement prompted many dirty laughs, "And to launch yourself into the air just push off and give some encouragement to the stand by saying something like," she waited as she tried to think of something good to say, then she yelled at the boom, startling everyone, "Scrap heap challenge!" But her stand failed to do anything. Many laughed, but shut up as soon as they caught a glimpse of Professor Hooch's face, "Damn Stand! Must be a dud one, no one do anything until I get back, or severe punishments will be dealt out!" With that she marched off, dragging the wretched stand after her. Drunko chuckled as he tossed around an inhaler he had stolen from one of the fatter kids. The boy was now leaping up and down begging Drunko to give it back. Larry would normally have found this funny since he had absolutely no morals, but this was different, it was Drunko, and he couldn't let him get a name for himself as a bully, the natural order would become unbalanced if an unnatural blonde got such a reputation! "Give it back Drunky!", Drunko looked annoyed by this mistake, "The name's Drunko, Lambert," "Oh, a bit below the belt wasn't that? Isn't that the Tangapants job?" Larry was learning fast, Drunko chuckled before restoring himself to his former smugness. "If you want it," he began as he pushed off with a particularly good insult to the stand that managed to refer to curtain rails and meat grinders perfectly, "Come and get it!" he spoke into the microphone so that all could hear. Larry had leapt on and was in the air before he knew what he was doing, he didn't know how to fly! But as it turned out this wasn't too much of a problem, Larry was a natural. Once up there he was hurling abuse at Drunko as if his life depended on it, and since Larry didn't know how to fly his life sort of did depend on it! He managed to insult Drunko's hair, clothes, taste in music, parents, heritage, and pet gerbil! Drunko was taken aback, he didn't stand a chance, 15 years of insulting his aunt and uncle had finally paid off! Drunko begged him to stop by making wailing high pitched screams like Matt from Muse before they both sank back down to the ground to the mixed sounds of cheers and boo's from the other pupils. However Professor McGoneAgain, who had come out to see what all the fuss was about, didn't seem so impressed. Larry was just grateful that the cane had been outlawed. "Just be grateful that the cane is outlawed!" she lectured the two boys before frog marching Larry off back into the school building. 'This is it,' Larry silently thought to himself, 'they're gonna send me back to the normal world, and I won't even be able to sell my story to the newspapers because everyone will just think I've spent the last few nights in the sewers after a drinking binge, again!' Professor McGoneAgain walked straight up to a door and knocked clearly three times, the door to leave Larry suspected, but Larry was wrong, as normal! A teacher opened the door and Larry could see a class sitting uncomfortably at desks, 'oh no, the worst punishment, public embarrassment, he would never be able to show his face anywhere ever again!' But once again Larry was wrong, Professor McGoneAgain simply asked for Oswald Twig, and a few seconds later Ozzy appeared, looking as confused as Larry. "Oswald," Professor McGoneAgain began, "I have found your Freaker!" Larry couldn't help but wonder what this had to do with him, until he realised that he was this Freaker. Ozzy suddenly became very excited about this and told Larry to meet him behind the bike sheds after school. Larry spent the rest of the day worrying about this. Finally he confided in Rod, "How do I break it to him? I mean I suppose I should be flattered," "Flattered! You should be bloody honoured! What I wouldn't give for a few minutes with Ozzy behind the bike sheds!" Rod replied dreamily. It was at this moment that Larry realised he would have to deal with this on his own and never tell Rod anything ever again. That evening he waited round the back of the bike sheds with his best 'I'm straight' lacy cravate on. Finally Ozzy arrived, dragging behind him a huge suitcase big enough to smuggle the cast of Dumbo through customs easily! Larry decided to nip this infatuation in the bud, after all he could perfectly understand why Ozzy was so taken with him, but it wasn't Larry's fault he was born with his looks! "Look Ozzy"- "Shut up and help me open my trunk!" -"What a generous offer, I'm very flattered but you see I'm straight" "What are you going on about Bowler?" "Now you're a good looking lad so I'm sure that there are plenty of homosexual lads here at Pig Spots who would be more than willing to"- "Ok you've lost me? What has your sexuality got to do with Poundhollow?" "Now you've lost me!? You bought me out here because you fancied me!" "Well I'm very flattered Larry, and you're a sort of good looking boy, in a non-conventional way, so I'm sure that there are plenty of homosexual lads here at Pig Spots who"- "I'm not gay! So if you don't fancy me then why did you bring me out here?" "To teach you about Poundhollow, and to see if you're even nearly as good as Professor McGoneAgain makes out"- "Why? How do you know how good at making out Professor McGoneAgain is? Your not having an affair with Professor McGoneAgain are you, coz in that case you almost are gay!" "Yuck! No, no, no, what I mean is Professor McGoneAgain says you're very good at being a Freaker!" "Well how can I be if I don't even know what a Freaker is?" "Wow! You really know nothing about Poundhollow do you!" Larry shook his head solemnly, "it's really very simple, there are four types of balls, the Waffle, that's the biggest, the Roger, the Rooger, and the Golden Snatch. Now there are seven players on each side, three of them are lacers, they wear a lot of lace, one is a sleeper, and one is a Freaker, and the final two are Feeteaters. Now a Sleepers job is to make sure that none of the balls go through any one of those ten hoops, I'm the Gruffolddog sleeper, however a sleeper isn't allowed to guard more than one hoop at a time unless there is a guardian dip, which simply means that one of the sleepers team members has been killed, or if the other teams sleeper is in fact asleep. However you can't cast a spell on the opposite teams sleeper. The three lacers job is to pass the waffle and try to throw it through the other teams hoops. But they can't fly through the hoops themselves, nor fly within radioing distance of the hoops. They also aren't allowed to move without spitting on an opponent, except for every second Sunday of a leap year, when they can spit at one of their own team-mates. They also must have passed the ball between all three lacers before scoring, unless there is a rainbow, they have swam the channel, or one of their team mates can walk on water, or is it hot coals? Anyway the Feeteater's jobs are to throw the Roger and Rooger balls at the opposition's lacers. You get an extra five points if you knock out a tooth, and an extra ten points if you knock them out! However a defensive Feeteater cannot throw a Rooger at an opposing lacer if their own lacer is in the fifth quarter, nor if the Feeteater himself is in between the 75th and 79th degrees of latitude from the opposing ninth goal. Also a Feeteater may not throw a Roger unless their own lacers are within the second and third boundaries of the fourth segment of the chocolate orange. But a Feeteater can pass a roger to another Feeteater of their house provided that the player they are passing to is wearing a silver hat. If a black cat falls from the sky then no Feeteater may pass a Roger until the third trimester of the game is complete. Oh and Feeteaters must move in an 'L' shape, like a knight in chess. Now things to look out for, make sure that when the cheerleaders skydive down that you aren't knocked off your stand, nor are the plugs of your microphones to be used as weapons unless the game exceeds twelve Green Terms. But all you have to worry about is the Golden Snatch, follow it and think of the best insults you can. The opposing teams Freaker will be chasing the Golden Snatch also, to try and keep him away try insulting him, if you manage to insult the Golden Snatch into severe depression and counselling for more than three months your team is awarded 1777873335 points and the game is finished! Simple really, isn't it!" Larry nodded before asking, "Sorry what did you say? I was miles away!" 


End file.
